Horse of a Different Color

I got my start with horses in a world of “make them do it” horsemanship. I heard a lot about making the horse respect the rider. Crops and whips were used as both aids and punishment. Side reins were used to hold the horse’s head in position, and there was a lot of talk about driving aids, pushing the horse into the contact, and setting the hands. Any reluctance or unresponsiveness by the horse was to be met with a sharper or secondary aid to get the desired response NOW.

For nearly my first thirty years of riding, that was my foundation. Over time I moved away from a lot of the harsher components of it, but like many of the people I grew up watching and learning from, I remained quick to frustration and anger when things didn’t go the way I wanted or expected with a horse. For the past almost twenty years, I’ve been learning from people who have a different approach to horses, one that is more relationship-based than demand-based. When I started actively learning a softer way with horses and that anger came up, I directed most of it at myself, for my inability to just stop reacting that way. The horses didn’t care much who I was mad at; they just knew that I was mad, and that the energy I was projecting wasn’t safe to be around.

When I was in my early twenties, I read a book by a respected animal behaviorist who was also a respected trainer of dogs and horses. When she died in 2001, the New York Times obituary referred to her as someone “who saw human traits in pets,” which was not how scientists were supposed to think then (it probably still isn’t). She was much more aware than most trainers and scientists of the time of animals having intellect and emotions, and what she called a moral sense. As a trainer, she also wrote about being given “crazy” horses or dogs to work with and acting crazier than they did so that they had to pay attention to her. At the time, as something of a specialist myself in “crazy” horses (i.e. the horses I usually got a chance to work with when I couldn’t afford a horse that had decent or no training), this made sense to me. Now, it does not. For me, anyway, this approach was just another variant of the old methods: obedience, discipline, correction. Even well-intentioned trainers still use language like this.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why we deal with horses this way. When “I say, you do, and do it NOW” is the expectation, what’s behind that? Far more often than I ever want to admit, it’s about fear. “I say, you do” feels like it keeps me in control. I think there’s a human belief that if we are afraid of something, and we can make that something or someone afraid of us instead, we will be safe. We can try to convince the horse that we are scary enough for it not to hurt us – without going so far that we convince it we are scary enough to attack. Horses are flight animals, but if given no choice, they will fight. When we are afraid, we make bad (and sometimes dangerous) decisions. When we are afraid and we don’t want to admit to or show our fear, we make even worse (and more dangerous) decisions.

Recently my wise friend, horsewoman Anna Blake, posted a brilliant blog in which she said “Level ground is needed for trust. In the beginning, it feels like chaos to breathe instead of intimidating.” I don’t want any kind of tattoo, let alone one with a whole lot of words in it (ouch!), but that sounds like a good choice so that I can look at those words every day. What does it feel like to put myself on level ground with someone or something I believe can hurt me? What does it look like for me to pause, breathe, and choose my next action with deliberation and kindness, instead of reacting in fear and anger? What happens if I start by extending trust, instead of withholding it?

Also: none of this is about horses.

8 thoughts on “Horse of a Different Color

  1. Thank you for this, partly because you flatter me, but mainly because of this line: “When I started actively learning a softer way with horses and that anger came up, I directed most of it at myself, for my inability to just stop reacting that way.” It’s honest and it can give me perspective in lessons, thank you. I was started just as you were and if being the leader means the one who goes first, then yes, we trust first. Yikes. Great blog, Tessa.

  2. I’ve never had horses that I was afraid of. I guess I’ve been lucky that way. But I do have one who’s wound a bit tight. It’s not his fault, it’s part genetics, part vision issues, part God knows what. (He’s 22 and has only been mine the last 7 years) I’ve noticed that any time he gets panicky or worried, he looks to me for grounding. Just knowing the he relies on me for that has encouraged me to slow myself down, breathe deeply and wait for him to tell me what he needs next. This reassures him. But getting it right with him is easy because he ASKS for my help and takes the first step toward getting it. I have others who don’t, and I have to admit, it’s much harder to produce the right response when I have to dig deeper for it. But I’m getting better. I have a good teacher.

  3. This is such a beautiful description of what our evolution as humans really can, and needs to, be about. Horses stand out because they help us learn to be present, but you’re right that we walk around with this fear-based control problem in all settings. A little device I use to help the breathing do its work is to imagine that I’m receiving everything around me on the inhale, and giving myself back on the exhale.

    • I love that, Susan. I do a version of that breathing where if I’m feeling a particular thing like anxiety or fear it sadness, I breathe it in, and then I breathe out its opposite – calm, peace, joy. “Giving myself back on the exhale” is such a lovely idea.

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