Limbo is not my favorite place, yet here I am, entering week four.
I have a horse who is sick. REALLY sick. For many of the days of these limbo weeks, I have gone out to his field with the certainty that this will be the day I find him dead in his field, or down in his shed, unable to get up.
There are several blog posts I have started in my head, most of which are not about this horse, but I can’t seem to write, or do much of anything else, right now. Then I thought maybe I would write about this horse, but we are in limbo, and I don’t know how the story will end. How can you write a story when you don’t know the ending? How can you write anything at all, when all you seem to be able to do is stare at the horse?
He has lost at least a quarter of his body weight, if not more. For a minute there, he went from being a fat horse (“when is that gelding due?”) to being a thin horse, and the weight looked good off of him, but it came off too fast, and it came off because he was simply not eating. He is not quite a skeletal horse, but if you saw him in my field, you would probably call the ASPCA. I probably would, if I saw him in your field.
The vet has made several visits, and has run many tests, all of which have been inconclusive. His symptoms add up to… symptoms. They might mean a disease (one of several), or they might just be what they are because he’s not eating. The why of his not eating remains a mystery. It is a mystery to the vet. To the dentist. To the chiropractor/acupuncurist. To the craniosacral healer. To the farrier. To me. If it is not a mystery to the horse, he’s not enlightening the rest of us.
Small things have made him feel a bit brighter. He loves the fact that we have opened his gate so he can wander the lanes between the fields. None of the other horses get to do that. He teases them – and lets them flirt with him – over the fence. His walk is shaky and a bit sideways from weakness, but he covers quite a bit of ground in a day. He recently got to roll in the sand arena and I felt like I had taken a kid to the circus.
Some days he likes to be out with his best buddy, but some days when I open the gates between their two fields, they simply switch fields. Sometimes I find them crammed into one ten by twelve foot run-in shed, close enough that another horse could fit next to them, if they ever entertained the idea of letting another horse into their little world of two.
This is not my first rodeo with a possibly dying horse, but it’s hard in a different way. For one thing, he does not feel in my heart as if he is a dying horse. There have already been more than a few days when it would have made sense to call the vet out to put him down, but he is giving me no indication that it’s time and I have never had an animal not let me know. Whether I have accepted it or not is a different story, but they always say.
For another thing, the shades of so many who have preceded him are surrounding me right now. Not just the animals, but the humans, too. There are the animals about whom, years later, I wonder if there was something I missed or did not try. There are the animals about whom I wonder if I waited too long.
There is my father, stumping up the sidewalk to Starbucks for a coffee and a natter with his neighborhood cronies, shadowing my view of the horse meandering up the hill to visit over the fence with the horses in the next field.
There is my mother, the week she stayed with us the first time she got out of the hospital, and me then, trying to make small, artfully arranged plates of food to tempt her to eat – and me now, creating a cafe tray in a flat rubber pan to give the horse options of things to eat with none touching the others in case the wrong thing causes him to eat nothing at all.
The second – and last – time my mother got out of the hospital, the only thing she wanted was orange sherbet from Le Lion de la Nourriture (known to most of us as the Food Lion). For a time last week, the only thing the horse would eat was carrots. I’m pretty sure a horse can’t subsist on carrots alone, but he was still reasonably comfortable, and he really enjoyed his carrots. If every day might be his last day, I figured, let him eat carrots.
On Sunday night, I was sure we had reached the end of the road. He was no longer even interested in carrots. When I first looked out in the fields Monday morning, I thought he was down – in the exact spot I plan to bury him when the time comes. When I went outside I realized that when he stands in that spot he is over a rise in the hill, and it looks like he is lying down, but he was not.
We spent much of Monday waiting for the vet, and then talking to the vet and having the vet examine the horse. The vet did not quite say “it’s time to euthanize this horse,” but he did raise it as a possibility in the near future. This was not a surprise, or a new idea. And yet. It doesn’t quite feel like time.
The part of Monday not spent waiting for the vet or with the vet, I spent being frantic. Not doing anything, but just feeling like I was coming apart at the seams. Some time after the vet left I realized that during the decade in which we experienced the death of four horses, six cats, one dog, four parents, one dearly beloved aunt, three friends, and our children’s grandmother, we barely had time to mourn before the next death was upon us. We’ve had a respite for almost three years, during which mostly I think we remembered how to breathe, but I’d be hard pressed to say we have recovered. That’s a lot of grief for one horse to bear, when it all comes bursting out at the seams.
On Monday during the vet visit, we talked about what we would be willing to do – treat for everything it might be that is treatable – and what we would not be willing to do – drive him two hours to a horse hospital where they might say “Oh, this is what he’s dying of, isn’t that interesting?” After the vet left, we rounded up the rest of the things we had decided to treat him with. Another shadow crossed my path, reminding me of laying out the many, many pills my father needed to take in his last months, so that he – or his care giver when I could not be there – would not lose track.
Today, for whatever reason, the horse has decided to eat. He has eagerly consumed all of six small meals. Unlike my mother, who could be tempted by half a bagel with cream cheese and lox, plus a few vibrant raspberries and enormous blueberries, he is content with his senior feed. Nutritionally it may be the equivalent to Cheetos, but now is not the time to pick nits about grain quality. He ate a fenugreek flavored treat, which yesterday he would not even look at. He ate a whole handful of baby carrots.
I still don’t know the ending to the story. Tomorrow, I will still walk out to the field with my heart in my mouth if I can’t see him from the house. We may have him for many more years, or we may have him for a matter of days. Either way, he will be with us forever.
6 thoughts on “Let Him Eat Carrots”
Beautiful. Please let us know what happens…
LikeLiked by 1 person
This breaks my heart. What a lovely equine soul you paint your horse to be, and your affection for him is in every word of your writing. I relate to not being sure if you want to write something when you don’t know the ending. I went thru that with my dog Elphie. I wrote most of her tribute blog, knowing she was not long for this world, and then finished it after her final trip to the vet. I hope however this ends, there is peace for you and your whole family, both fur and otherwise.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just breathing here – for the horse and for you. ..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal thoughts and struggle with grief for humans and animals.I can only imagine how hard it must be with a horse. I can really relate to having too many pet and close human losses in a given period of time that did not permit me to process the grief of each completely.
I was in the difficult position of having adopted a young (18mos old) Maine Coon from the Arlington Animal Shelter after recovering from the loss of my first cat that lived to be 16. The young one, Imiye, was a real joy, but I noticed that although she was eating, for a cat her age, she was not gaining hardly any weight. My wonderful vet (now retired) did various blood tests. Eventually, he suspected a terminal illness, and sent another sample to a lab in California, which confirmed that she had FIP ( always fatal) Feline Infectious Peritonitis. I can understand that the animal rescue leagues and shelters cannot test routinely for FIP ( $350.00 per test). I really agonized over when to euthanize her. While she was still well except for no weight gain or later when decline set in. Finally, I decided to get a consultation with a well known Animal Communicator. ( I do not know if you believe in the work one does) This person was known for being a Medical Intuitive of animals. One 30 minute phone conversation with her helped me make the decision of when to let her spirit be released from her body.
I wish you the best in making whatever decision is right for you and your horse. Warm regards, Jan
LikeLiked by 1 person
Re-read this today. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I am struggling with a horse who is undiagnosed but having problems. I don’t know how it will end.. except all lives end in death, just don’t know when. This is life apparently !!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Sarah. We said that often – we are all dying, he’s just maybe dying a little faster/sooner. Wishing for the best for you and your horse.